my life is boring.

Life after musical has been so weird. It is hard when something that was a huge part of your life is suddenly just over. Especially when it's something that you loved and you worked hard to make amazing. I still feel a bit empty.

After things like this I often get the need to do something creative. I don't really care what it is, but I feel I need to create something to express how I feel. Draw, write, compose, photograph. Usually I never get anything done though. I'm so frustrated because of all the time I have that I'm unable to settle down and concentrate on something specific. Then I just end up doing something for a moment, getting annoyed because it is not working and moving on to something else that is not going to work either. And after that I just decide go jogging because I have to some way get rid of all the energy I have. And then my legs hurt and I can't walk.

I've been thinking lately (actually I got the idea from my grandparents) that I'd love to write a book about my year. Just for fun, just so I would remember everything that happened. This is just dreaming, but it wouldn't be impossible. I do love writing and now I'd at least have something to write about. I have my blog and I know what happened and when. Knowing me it would probably be hard to keep the facts. My mind is all over the place, for me it's boring just to write about what actually happened. Then it would become fiction. I would mess up the facts and add in things that would make it more interesting (mostly for myself to write). At least I wouldn't hurt anybody with my sarcasm. Not that anybody in America would read it anyway. It sure would not be pretty little stories about the America of my dreams. Still I'm scared to even start anything, I'm too afraid it would be another failed try to create something. And it would be way too scary to let people know what is going on in my mind. Literally.

Most of the time I don't know it myself. I've been really tired lately (even though I've slept almost 9 hours every night). I've had this really weird mood, probably mostly caused because of my tiredness. Any little thing just changes my whole mood, I can be really happy and then suddenly almost depressed and then angry and then happy again. For example music affects me that way right now. I seriously just think I need something to do, other than playing with the boys. I've been spending a lot of time with them and Laura and Jack. It has been really nice to spend time with them and explore Uniontown. Not that there would be much to explore.

That's the thing, there really isn't anything to do. It is making me anxious in this weird way. I can't get rid of the feeling. I want to do something crazy and feel that I am living, maybe then I'll feel better. I know it's just me, it's just inside my head, because everything is going fine and nothing is really wrong. The only problem is I have way too much time to think and way too much time to spend with just my thoughts.

(All the pictures above are from last Saturday, we went up to the cross in the mountains. It's a big cross, I can see it from my window. You can basically see it from anywhere. And from there you can see everything. It's so beautiful.)

These pictures I took of the super moon last weekend!

Oh and I won our schools art show's drawing part with my self portrait! And got second place with my Mandola in the Mandola category. I have no idea how to explain what it is but here's a picture of my Mandola:

/EDIT:

I wrote this earlier but couldn't publish it yet. I already feel better now because I got to do something on Friday. And part of it was rather crazy too (spontaneously going to eat ice-cream in the middle of night when it is freezing cold outside). I love my friends.

Anniina kiittää.